the dirty trick.

I didn't just suddenly
not care what people think. I realized.

- that people don't care how I came across,
to them. That they don't care and don't want
me to ask whether they were offended, they didn't
notice. It went right by them, unfazed - surely

they have more important things to notice
then the guy who's trying to figure out what
he did wrong.

Or what he did not, or whether, or how to do
better next time. They don't care, they
don't want.

They don't. Don't need, and I got sick
of asking. Because they got sick
of the asking.

Asking for help. How to help them! Please,
how to help me help them,

they never knew. Never noticed! And never had one
useful answer. It took me several years, to guess, to
know.

It's something I no longer understand.

How I
could have cared,
could have been so dense.
It didn't just suddenly all make sense.

It was beaten into me, in increments.

It didn't just
suddenly hit me
one day, not to care

what people think.