"c.v. draft (revised)"

Unprofessional Songwriter.
Freelance Insultant (Undeliberate).
Professional Debtor.
Amateur Authority (Unchecked).
Independent Contractor of Idiopathic Psychosomatic Asymptomatic Illness.
Double-blind Well-designed Placebo-Controlled Experimental Test Predicate,
Chief Neologian, Synonym Differentiator and Professor of Dialectic: Semantics Division.
Social Justice Worrier and Unrepentant Unregenerate Privilege Apologist.
Anti-meme and Universal Mnemonic for Whatever It Meant, and So Mean,
So Mean I Mean It All. I Mean Well, Wouldn't You?
Reality Checker with a Checker's Checked Past.
Designated Filibuster in the Sexual Congress.
Online Poet of Note (at least one), and Full Service Proactive Muse to Self.
Reverse Marketing Analyst and Idea Manque.
Neighborhood-class Martial Arts Critic.
Passable Iced Water Preparation Specialist and Tolerable but Intolerant Cook.
Given to Wild Innovation in the Marketplace.
Constant Gardener of Zen Procrastination.
Shining Example to Criminals.
Tells Right From Wrong By Means of Why.
Disavowed Bodhisattva of Body-rockin'.
Literalist Man in the World, I Swear.
Willful Observer of Obliviousness (One's Own).
Enlightenment's Just a Cross I Bear.
Apparently Human, with All the Implied Advantages.
Possessed of Jaw,
Daring of Jut,
Caring of Am Yet Heedless of Seem.
Jib Cut Like a Bludgeon Gem-set in Opposition to a Blind and Cumbersome Juggernaut Which Never Forgets It Ain't Seen Nothing, Not Yet
but I Digress.
Dweeb, Stooge and Boob Enthusiast.
Fool For, In, Around, All About and Through Love.
Abstract Naturalist, Modest Nudity Apologist and Overall Coverup Artist Specializing in Coincidence, Cryptoconspiracy and Synchronicity.
Aspirational Harmonic Convergence Choirmaster and Living Wind Chime.
Non-Star General Officer of the Global Disarmy.
Dab Hand.
Rational Fabulist.
Crack Die Survivor.
Wrongly-Accused Disingenue.
Author Unawares of Own Subtext.
One-Man Brawl, Stowed Away Aboard His Solo Rowboat Armada.
Mercy First. Hold Harmless Third.
Women's Auxiliary and Dedicated Distaff Tool of Opportunity.
All This Happy Horsemanship.
Devoted Gentile Judeophile w/Philistine Envy Samaritan-Style
Quantum Plausibility Anomaly and Living Embodiment of God's Will for Me (if any).
Skeptic of Monstrous Order.
Humble Servant of Mastery,
Gallant Scoundrel,
Arrogant Prick with a Heart of Throat and a Soul Sold to the Highest Bidder.
Curious in Both Senses.
Person of Concern.
Magnificent Wretch.
Director to the Assistant.
From the Very End,
Loyal to the Beginning.
Voider into the Abyss's Eye.
Not a Nice Guy. Sweet.
Extravagantly Even Dealer.
Accurate of Praise.
Dodgy.
Sincere.
Peculiant.
Increasingly Unlearned.

References available by demand.
Recommendations are in: completely unqualified.