pathological empathy

I pretend I know what constipation
is about. Every time I say to myself
Hey. I don't think I took a shit
this morning. Or Hey, I don't think
I took a shit all day! Or
When was the last time I took a shit?

Other people have to deal
with that shit. No shit, I have heard
and read it's a curse. But me
it hovers over obscurely,
uninflicted. So cue anxiety
when I wonder, "Hey? Shit?
Did I?" Sometimes I'll worry
all day and then realize,

Oh yeah I did! I'll recall some detail
that comes to me, probably when
I go to take a shit. Some minor
trigger configuration of those
surroundings places me, far as
last time goes. See, it's such a
regular occurrence though, that if
at the time I'm distracted, not
"in the moment" - it easily slips
memory and flush! Down it goes. Or:
oh yeah, I didn't eat anything
yesterday. Give it time to work
its way through, dude! Or I'll just
take a big ol' shit and say
oh yeah

Now and then, twice
I think - I actually was. Or
might have been. But
it could conceivably have been
innumerable times. Constipation

occurs to me sometimes, but
gratefully (and I am in no way
not fully cognizant of this)
it's minor. Even and especially
at worst.

I have a similar relationship
to back pain and insomnia. These
are miseries to people - and I know.
I know the people. Sufferers. So

I'm very aware. I'll be like
"MY BACK!" WATCH IT! You could really
have pulled something awful there, dude!
Talking to me, there - inwardly
so as not to trick others
into a false impression of my
suffering. I chide myself warily

or awake at night, pondering the specter
of another night of turns
tossed into the mix with no sleep
to leaven them, ghastly-ass
wakefulness you'd gratefully take
nightmares over (sometimes I have
taken nightmares over), only to finally
stretch in resignation, "enough's enough"
get ready for bed, hit the pillow
once, with your head
- it's a knockout!

Anyone who really knows about these
toilsome troubles and doesn't suffer
at the thought, dazedly, really
sincerely grateful to be spared

- is an ass. A real fucking ignoramus

I try to be present
and aware
and genuinely grateful, and I am
for the most part. It's an ongoing struggle

but it's the right thing to do,
for me. I couldn't feel right

taking it all for granted
while others suffer