"mah man"

The reason I put "mah man"
in scare quotes up there
in the title is as funny
and as sweet as you are,
you're kind of a scary dude
I think. I mean,

everybody trusts you, even people
you don't know if they know
what's good for them, but
I think they can kind of tell, too.
In case you're not aware of it,
there's kind of a secret conspiracy
of fan-based suspicion over your fearsome
black ops combat capabilities
- which we don't know about, but
suspect you've never even used these,
owing to your essential sweetness plus,
no need.

But it don't mean our danger antenna
aren't twanging a little, "mah man!"
Even though the effect is pure reassurance
knowing you're around, knowing you're
on our side.

That doesn't mean
we're dumb and blind
to the fact you're a FELL BEAST
of Tolkienesque dimensions (albeit
more a little on the Elven-side
of things of course - none of this
Mordor bull shit, sworn to fell powers
shaking your fist at wandering angels,
shitting on midgets down the little holes
they try to live their quaint bucolic
lives in - try all you like to skew "bad boy"
as a fashion statement baby, you can pull off
the clothes just fine but underneath,

you're a pretty, good guy
and we know it) you have to admit
if you're honest with yourself, most people
can see that given necessity
you're probably some kind of John
Wick Jason Bourne Mary Sue clone
as if wandering as if by mistake
into the wrong kind of Dan Brown
storybook, and they had to protagonize you.
It's just how you come off. Don't

fight it. Looks good on you.