served cold

all the missed chances
I ever had
in my life
I passed them
all up, because of
what? something better
that I had to do
to be worthy of you? To be
worthy of you? No, not really
worthy of you. Just
trying to be not
worthless in general,
not worthless
as me, trying to not be
something
of no value or use to anyone else,
because
of the way it makes decisions.
You know?
Because how it makes and justifies
one decision
is going to be how it goes.

And every one
of those missed chances, miss,
I am glad I decided just
as I did.

Except for one.
Somehow, I misjudged
what was at stake

and

what I would become. And against
all hope, all odds, regret
comes way too late, as it very always
does.

But I guess, if out of all
the missed chances in my life, if I only want back
just one, well

maybe I am doing ok on balance. And need
to shut up, and pretend I have
no regrets, and say that
it's all for the best, take a dose
of whatever medicine gets the healing done,
the swelling down around the heart, and kills
the cold clammy sweats that have you gasping
with chills, bolt-upright in bed
at every hour of night,
in distress -

because you can not cannot can not see how you got it wrong,

and you can't pretend that everything you want

was a guess.