fetish

I have the fetish where I need
to give more than I have in me
to get anything out of it at all,
and there's nothing to hold back anyway
because you don't regret
anything except what you don't give.
The harder the lessons can be this time
just means the less likely I'll be
to learn them - if I
can keep out of wisdom long enough,
eventually the dice
will land with the right number of dots facing up, and
I will be set up sweet
having preserved my ability to put everything absolutely I have
into the throw.

Except this table is crap, miles long,
and at such a step grade the dice will probably
never actually come to a stop, and
I am sure all the bets made
must have slid off.

That's how I like it, though. I am no gambler
- and it is not a gamble
when you know there is no chance.

There is no chance involved.

I have the pretty sick fetish
where to this day, I want you
to be happy with what you are doing
and what you have done, and
I explain how. I tell you how
it was not a mistake, and
I'm telling the truth, but
lord
I wish somehow that I was not. Because

if only the truth were not true,

maybe I could tell you what I wish was.