birthright

my daddy stopped dancing when I was conceived
and my mom had faith
until I believed

I'll walk straight through the world with my song to sing,

let this cute little tune
ruin every thing

"coulrophilia"

your face drawn on with bold black lines
then colored in with purest white
outside, and brightest red within
- and royal blue,
around blue eyes

so all the people too far back
atop the furthest bleacher rows
can see your face as you smile wide,
and you go through
your stunts and throws

but in your throes,
your sticky kisses
leave such smears,
streaked pinks and grays
dear, you're a mess! Yet anyone
could see that smile

from miles away

what if I told you

what if I told you
in words that were so perfect
that they betrayed every feeling I had

for you

to you

not
what I would want to say,
or what I would want you to believe -
but all of it, with everything bad! all
my doubts, and my certainties: all
the thoughts that scream, oh! God,
hell, this
could not work out anyway.

it's too far to reach

could it?


What if I said

all of it. All of that. All
the bad, swimming underneath
plus all the ways that you make me feel
better than I've ever been, but not
better than I am

all the ways that I want you, too

and the ways that I wish you were mine,
despite knowing you almost certainly don't deserve
the kind of crap you'd be in for,

if only I could tell
you
in such perfect words
that you would somehow know in an instant,
and be sure.

I don't even know what you'd be sure of.

You would be sure
of everything
that those words add up to.

You would take it all in, and tell what it's worth:
every side of my mind, where you're concerned

you would know what to put last
and what comes first

do proselytize

If I had to live in heaven forever,
I would find a way to make it as much like earth
as the materials would allow

I am no Jehovah's Witness, but
I have a certain sympathy for how they want the earth to go on
forever, in place of Heaven,
and call it The Kingdom.

If I could only live forever, right here,
as I've known it - and me in my body,
as I've known it, why

I'd need just one woman beside me
and I know who she is.

But if she's hearing this -
she thinks it's a lie

comfy

I wish to make good use of you
to catch these scattered pieces up
and stitch these half-lost half-lived bits
into a crazy quilt
that fits

fishers

The wider one casts one's net, one gets
all the fish too big to swim through the holes
but we've each only got just so much rope. So, we know
the bigger we weave,

the more we let go

A penance,

In atonement for all of the times I was right
I should spend at least half of the rest of my life
proving all of you people who doubt yourselves wrong
for believing in me, when you knew I was strong
but you should have believed in yourselves then, in spite
of how strong I had seemed, in what I knew was right.
For each time that you chose to cave in to my rant,
I should spend my life proving you right, but
I can't.

to some freaks

dear funk freaks, please keep on dancin'
dear sex freaks love the one you're romancin'
dear human rights freaks keep keeping me on top
dear democracy freaks let your voice not stop
dear food freaks please give me pointers where to eat
dear alcohol freaks let your demons take a seat
as I buy them all a drink, I will pick up the tab
freak on everything that's good
'cause that shit is not bad

dear extremacy freaks, please, you could be scaled back
dear supremacy freaks, well, you know you're all that
but humility freaks well, take notches up a couple, cuz -
'cause you are worth as much as any of the aforementioned
was.

Believe you're in love.

Oh, no, you...
you're not sure.
You know how you feel,
you just don't know how you should.

So you're left
self-confused.
You should try this test -
there's nothing to lose:

Think of one name
(the one you're thinking of),
and use it to complete a three-word sentence
that starts:
"I love"

Then say it out loud,
just give it all that you've got.
Say it with some meaning!
Say it with some feeling!
- does it make you happy or not?

'Cause you can't believe you're in love
if you're not in love.
No you can't believe you're in love,
if you're not in love.

It's as simple as that -
an easy read.
Don't try to trick yourself,
you'll only succeed.

There's a million things
to complicate...
but that's not what you wanted to know.
They can all wait -

just think of one thing:
and do you want it the most?
If it isn't worth it, babe!
You don't deserve it. Go.
Let it go. Let it go.

Just let that thought sink in.
Does it hurt worse than death?
Then maybe reconsider
what you need to give, or admit
you don't know best.

'Cause you can't believe you're in love
if you're not in love.
No you can't believe you're in love,
if you're not in love.
Can't believe you're in love -
if you're not in love.
No you can't believe you're in love,
if you're not
- in love.

Think of one name
(the one you're thinking of),
and use it to complete a three-word sentence
that starts:
"I love"

Then say it out loud,
just give it all that you've got.
Say it with some meaning.
say it with some feeling:

Does it make you happy or not!

biographical note

Born in a tornado,

caught and spanked by

an obstetrician 2 counties upwind,

this demon freak of Enlightenment wins

souls, hearts and minds to his cause with ease

as he strives to shoehorn himself into starring roles

of biblical prophecies - thwart him,

for all our sakes, please

deal.

the dumbest game of cards
there is, The hearts
for love, and constancy,
the spades for death, and
fate: dig deep
the clubs for strength, for valor

keep your diamonds. Filthy lucre
fails to dazzle me, however well
it catches light, in facets cut
with cunning craft
to no avail.

we cut the deck and dealt our cards
our hearts betrayed, turned fragile, broke
from nerveless hands our clubs fell hard

we called all spades as spades - misspoke

the diamonds only
kept their shine

as hard as anything you please
and no one bluffed, no tricks
were played. We lost.

With honor, grace,
and ease.

pickpocket

ask me to play
I am no damn good
there's a pick in my pocket
at all times, just in case
there's a guitar to hand
I've a song I can fit
to any occasion, or
- this one at least.

it will hover and run
on the strings that are strung
to vibrate between your heart
and your head. Clumsily sung,
and fumblingly played, it will strike you
quite dead. I am, as I said

no damn good.

bad directions

You gave such good directions back.
I found my way up little roads,
then on to big, infallibly away from you:
the last place that I want to go.

reading poetry is hard!

reading poetry is hard! work,
you know? pushing your eyes over
and through lines, especially
with your mind
occupied trying
to find
the right rhythm and sound,
from among who knows how

many possible options, what
with the free-form structures
poets seem to prefer these days. (And
so do we! Readers, frankly - who needs
the old 'sing-song' shit?) but

it's still hard work, no matter
how beautiful we can tell the words
are. Our eyes push
into and through
and over syllables, line breaks, meter that seems
to bounce one way, then caroms off an extra
stress and rolls free,

we run back to catch up with it. And pick it up,
wondering

(and no, I am not demonstrating what I mean
within the flow as I go. Please. Trifling,
trifling tricks - beneath us both) well.

there's one way to make it easy, though:
read it out loud. Give the beauty of the words
a chance to make out with the love of your own
voice (You know you do.) and give the sense
of the words a chance to be read: only one way,
as you read it through. As naturally as you can manage!
it - words can be read, as if they were not a poem. Give
the poet a chance, to give you that. Give the poet a chance
to do a poet's job: to make the words tell. Read it out
loud,

give your mind a chance to
stop trying to figure things out.

the aerialists

I love how much you care, and
I've seen this all before, and
I know you dare, you will dare all
I sit here, wincing - dread the fall
as you go through your high-wire act
you dance your partner through
dead-weight

I've seen how this act ends, before
but never from
someone so great
at making it believable

that I suspend my disbelief
and pray to God (we know not of)
that you will death-defy it, please! - not come to grief!
- but carry through, with one true love
intact for life

you fling yourself
into the fear

my heart takes flight -
I can't take more!
of this: I close
my eyes,

and

wait to hear

last words, time

"angels flitting through the clouds
eyes above, and so below
we hide our faces, blush and pout
nothing that we said was meant
to sound like what came out our mouths
and though we each wish fervently
the other could come off as well
as they could in our wildest dreams
(and theirs as well), as waters swell
we know the chance we both so want
has punctured, and is sinking fast
if either of us has the sense
to shut up -

let this moment pass!

it isn't what we both intended
now, it can't be guided back
- oh, now -
here comes the ground, and

after we crash -

how do we just fade to black?"

"a perfect world"

we've been lying long enough
so tell the truth to yourself for once:
admit that you've got nothing in your heart for me,
for real

it's not easy to tell you off
I love you more than I've ever loved
and I still can't quite figure out why we can't seal the deal

in a perfect world,
I am perfect for you
you are perfect for me

in a perfect world,
we are perfectly sure:
this is meant to be

a perfect world

but the world we're in
has built a wall between
and we can dream about it
but we'll never wake up in

a perfect world

we both share a recurring dream
where we're together eternally
it always seemed our lives would just keep building
to that point

but that's exactly the point of it
we've built a building where we can't fit,
and I'm so sick of building it
let's just burn the whole damn joint

in a perfect world,
I am perfect for you
you are perfect for me

in a perfect world,
we are perfectly sure:
this is meant to be

a perfect world

but the world we're in
has built a wall between
and we can dream about it
but we'll never wake up in

a perfect world

you and I are a perfect fit.
and I just want to give in to it.
I want to just rededicate my life

to this denial

but somehow that's how it never works
our best intentions create the worst
and if our hearts
are ruined now,
at least we lived a while in a perfect world

I am perfect for you.
You are perfect for me.

In a perfect world: we know perfectly well,
this is meant to be a perfect world.

But the world we're in has built a wall between,
and we can dream about it,

but we'll never wake up in
a perfect world.

snooze

it's time for me
to leap to my feet with a mad, joyous shout
and go back to sleep

failure to dial

There is no possible point at which
I wish you wouldn't calll me
except: I am drunk

so right now,
the only time I would tell you this:
I wish you wouldn't call me.

but every other time
I am
so rarely drunk,
I wish you would

for I could tell you every thing
in such good cause,
and only good

primacy

a cry for help,
before I die
is all I'd ever ask someone
the ones who love me would rush in
to devastate, defend
me from

the enemy,
without, within
it doesn't make a difference
well all I'd ever ask of him
some mercy,
please

I was here first.

Anyone who could,

help

off the map

A paper town for a paper girl,
a notebook street to press between
the pages lined and ruled so straight,
it's all so blank
- it's all so clean

her eyes flick flame

"creating a vacuum"

Sex, with her, was always a complete
preoccupation. I had to make room
in my mind for the blood loss
once she started in.
I made that room, and I filled it
with what nature abhors. The damage,
I fear, will eventually become irreparable.
If I keep going
if I keep going
if I keep going

it will

birth defect

My feelings are no deeper
than the tip of my tongue,
and the top of my head
is plugged straight into my heart
because that is where most
all
of my thoughts come from.

It's a birth defect
I'm just lucky I guess

I will bore myself to sleep
with everything that went wrong
and wake up knowing what to do -
and it's okay if you won't
I am a surface of infinite shallowness

it's a birth defect
I'm just lucky I guess

I can tell you any answer
without having to think
because I'll never stop to wonder
what you meant when you asked
I will take my best guess
and that's the answer you get,

it's a birth defect
I'm just lucky I guess

and you can try another take
and I will take it from the top
as many takes as it takes
to get it right, I won't stop
I'm on my personal best
I don't deserve or try
or have to impress
anybody ought to see
that I just do what comes next
I can't take credit
for a blessed bit
of any of it.

I am a surface
of infinite shallowness,

and I was born so inclined
that I have rolled ever since.
My heart lives on the tip of my tongue,
it's a cinch -
I will have to sneeze for years
to make up for how much

I am blessed.

it's a birth defect
I'm just lucky, I guess

strike anywhere

these conversations never start
from my end. I lay flat, relaxed
I never want to chafe, intrude
I do love to combust, react -
but I am cool

with silence, too.

If your cool fingers hold the match
and if you bring it down, across
this dull and flinty strip will catch
with sparks like skies of stars, coax
your sulphur tip to blaze. Your small
investment - pressure, friction, paid
in conversation, smoke and flame
by such dark arts

are fires made.

bed and breakfast

And as if this

was all we need,
here we are, and we can't sleep.
But when we wake they'll bring a tray -
is it enough

for you?

ok

if I have any enemies

if I have any enemies
(and I do; I have one)
I just wanted to say
for the record, for all
to see:
I am pathetic.
And I never pretended not to be
my house is a mess
my house is not in order
my life is a mess
my relationships
are horrible; the worst state
that they could possibly be
in. And I hope
you're happy.

gifted

you can't steal what's freely given

- unless love is just a bargain?
and then suddenly, conditions
can be voided, overridden -
leaving someone feeling swindled
- getting not what had been
bargained for.

A deal like that's for saps.

That loan
will never be secure.

to make sure I'm safe

cop behind me
around every curve

to make sure that I'm safe

both hands on the wheel,
I am writing a note to myself:

"don't swerve"

amazingly little

it's amazing how little the world
seems to care, once the world has shrunk
down to one person (or two,

if you're counting yourself -
which you never could! It's amazing
how little it adds,
when you do)
.

trust cuts

the words that you say
turn into truth
so much faster than they have any right to

later on, I'll be shocked but
for this moment, it feels
like I have known this

for so long that it has always been real

"trick"

I say what I mean.
Shamelessly.
In the strongest

possible
terms

that are true.

If you don't believe,
I don't mind - should I be?
Hurt?
or concerned?
I don't see why. Do

You?

You are quite free to find
any meaning you wish
every word that you hear
what it's worth - take it for

what you want. You will see
That I'm so mean, and fake

But I mean it all, bitch:

More than you'll ever take.

zoo exhibit

my love for you is a beast that has been
caged but not tamed
and not a sleek and pretty one

it looks out from behind hard bars
and eats you up with greedy eyes
and you are all it ever wants

it isn't feeding time now love
go sleep in straw for now, let lie
your keeper knows you're not a pet

tomorrow is another day
it's almost here
what you will get

what will be next?
another day of letting lie? or time
for something fresh and new
to die

strike anywhere

these conversations never start
from my end. I lay flat, relaxed
I never want to chafe, intrude
I do love to combust, react, but -
I am cool with silence, too.

If your cool fingers hold the match
and if you draw it down this line
(a small investment on your part)

your pressure, friction, heat combine -
this dull and flinty strip will spark
like skies of stars,

shot hot and sprayed,

to coax your sulphur tip to flame

and conversation - where there's smoke,

by such dark arts
are fires made.

overawes

my cradle spun
like a tree without leaves
whose clouds had all set
eternally
in the mind of a girl
whose eyes, cast down
into fortunes of fate
rule this shit town.

used to have a thing

I used to have a thing
for blondes with great big tits
and then I had a thing
for dye-job feminists
and after that my tastes ran
all the way to pasty goths
and then my tastes ran screaming back
to hard-core christians, plighting troths

At some point I got heavy into atheistic jews
'til smartassed girls with big behinds
became my favorite muse
And then I had a thing for you.

But I don't think it's going to work out, though.

You're not my type.

lullaby, rising

all we happy travelers
are flying home from holidays
weary and relieved, we queue
(that's British. It means "wait in line")
heading home a hundred ways
our journeys over
zones of time
that wash beneath our drifting planes
the sky spreads pillows
sheets, and all
so weary, grateful,
in we climb. And up we climb,
'til down we fall

resolution

the rambling
is the mechanism
to get to understanding
myself. To an outsider,
it may seem like magic -
some amazing trick! This fool
lays out in plodding style, brick
by brick, some yellow-brick road
as he walks, it winds, until he gets to
well, where it was pretty obvious he
was headed, the whole time. To me,
though - I need to figure out
where this next brick
goes.

the wall

the wall in my mind
is one brick wide
but it stretches to the heavens
on such firm ground
that I know: I will never get through,
or around -
even with you
on the other side.

I've been waiting forever to make this wish

I've been waiting forever to make this wish
the timing
has never been right for you
or for me,
for the wish to work
even if it came true.
Even if it came true,
it still needs timing, and time,
and place, and two people placed
to run with it, all the way
I've been waiting forever
to make this wish.

Fuck this. I am making my wish

Today.